In the Past I Experienced Melancholy
It is ever difficult accepting that life is full of pain and that every human being in this immense planet has his/her own share of woes. We have issues which we confront from time to time no matter how much we all try to conceal all that behind a smile. We all try to look happy on the outside, though inside we may be harboring a kernel of experiencing melancholy depression.
However, the best thing about all this is that you can bring change into which will last forever. You can turn sadness or depression deep in your heart to joy and happiness. All you have to do is to confront your worries. Psychoanalysis was one technique which helped me conquer my worries which had troubled me since childhood.
My childhood was one of the worst. I was raised by a single mother who didn’t have any time for me. Apparently, she had been dumped by her boyfriend when he found out that she was pregnant. It happened that my mom lived him so much that after he left her, she became depressed. She had no job then and yet she was pregnant and had the duty to raise me. When I was born, her melancholy must have gotten worse. All through my life, I was ominous to her. She used to lash at me for small mistake and at times at something that I never did.
Weak Family Bonds Can be Harmful in Life
The worst part of it all was our brittle relationship. We never spend much time together to create any lasting and loving relationship. She used to work as a bar tender and would normally come home very late in the evening; sometimes in the company of male friends whom she had hooked up from the drinking joint. As you can guess, I was ever distraught throughout my childhood. I was the laughing stock at school and hence I always lacked confidence and had a low self esteem.
There are times that we would go without meals or be threatened by the landlord who wanted to throw us out for not paying the rent dues. It was a hectic life that I never desired. The when I was barely 15, the worst thing in my life happened. I got raped by a man who had accompanied mom at home as usual. They were both too drunk and immediately after opening the door, they went straight to their room while I returned to sleep on the couch. While mum was dead asleep, this man repeatedly raped me. It is an ordeal that I never like to go into details explaining exactly how it happened.
The ordeal really crashed my esteem and left me feeling too vulnerable with this horrid depression disorder. Mom never wanted to have the case followed up and justice administered, because she felt equally guilty for her negligent. Instead, she sent me to leave with her sister and that was where I spend the rest of my school life. My aunt was usually sympathetic and did everything she could to try to secure a better future for me.
After graduating and getting a job in the food chain business, I still was haunted by my past. The elements of my childhood and the suffering that I had to endure all through would come into my mind often and make me feel more vulnerable. I had the fear of men and I couldn’t even date. There were times in the night when I would wake up to a nasty nightmare which always made me fear as if I was losing myself; as if I was going mad.
I tried various options to suppress all those feelings by ensuring that I was ever busy. If I was at home and there was nothing to do, I would grab a novel and occupy myself in it. I always had to find an activity which would help me get ‘lost’. Despite all that, the fear never went away. As a matter of facts, it seemed to increase with time. This made me to start purchasing anti-depressants which would help me suppress the nasty feeling and attacks that I was experiencing.
Therapy can help Heal Old Scars and Bad Experiences in the Past
Still that never went worked as I anticipated and the feeling of emptiness never faded always. That when I decided to visit a psychiatrist for a mental check up. I always felt as if I was going crazy. After being examined by a psychiatrist, he felt satisfied that I wasn’t that having ant mental illness. However, after my insistence that I was living a troubled life, he felt concerned and referred me to a psychotherapist.
That was the start of my journey to psychoanalysis. I had a few therapist sessions with the psychologist, but in all sessions, I was unwilling to reveal my shaky past. When he realized that I wasn’t going to reveal much information that would help me get through my past, he too referred me to a psychoanalyst.
At first therapy analysis, I was a bit nervous, but the psychoanalyst was much gentle with me. She didn’t put much pressure on me that day and on all other sessions later. I was seeing her 5 days a week at 8 in the morning before proceeding to work. She would make me relax and at times ask stupid questions in a cunning manner. Within six months of seeing her, I became comfortable with her and started pouring out my past.
She would often interpret everything and ensured that she shared my sentiments. I attended her sessions for 6 years, within which she helped me get over my past. She enabled me to feel loved again and also helped me boost my self confidence. The nasty dreams went always and the feeling of fear subsided. Today, I live a normal life.